The rose has been claimed...

My life is finally beginning, I recently entered in to a courtship with one of my best friends. He fell right before me as imagined he would. I remember asking God to surprise me with who it may be. I wanted to walk right in to it with my eyes closed and I did. I recently reviewed one of my old journal post, recapping all the failed relationships and interests I've had. I recalled thinking that my husband would be someone of a different land and no one in the church. I recalled how I was interested in Joseph but said it would never happen because he is in love with another woman. I even said that God would have to make him single by the end of August for me to even give him a second look. Then out of nowhere he was contemplating leaving his current lady by August 1st. Then by August 15 he had left her. My jaw might as well have been broken because it hung open, wide enough for a waterfall to pass through. Then almost instantly I recalled a dream I had a few years prior to all of this. It was my wedding day and I was running around like a dog, trying to run as many errands as I could. I found myself running to the supermarket, the post office to buy stamps, the glasses store to try on frames (I don't even wear glasses) and everything else besides getting married. Then in my dream I was met by a lady who I believed was African and she said to me "You have to get ready!!" and I said "No, I still have so much to do" she then proceeded to grab my arm and hurry me to a car, I don't recall if I was driving or if she was but she drove me to the ceremony space. Then I remembered I didn't even get the dress, so we stopped at a dress shop and I purchased a gown, I think it was lace. Then all of a sudden my dream went from 3rd person or 1st person. I was walking down the isle and there were people I knew and people I didn't know. As I approached the front and pair of dark, heavy hands embraced mine. It appeared to be rough but was soft to the touch and then my dream ended. Then after the dream I went to school and in my first period class, engraved in the top right corner of the desk was the name Joseph with hearts going around it. That was enough evidence for me to at least consider the idea the he may be my husband. At first I was repulsed by the idea of spending the rest of my days with this man. I thought he was nothing but a brute that abandoned things when he didn't feel like attending to them (I'm as fragile as a rose on the inside), but I was terribly wrong. We spent a few nights together in the church, we talked and laughed and held each other till we fell asleep. This man has reached the deep, murky places in my heart and mind and has managed to provide some glimmer of light. He understands all my crazy outburst and all my quiet heartfelt emotions. He understands my need for space and my need to be held. He completes me in a way I still don't understand. He even enjoys getting coffee with me and sitting in a park at 2 in the morning. As some know I'm a INFP (if you're in to the Myers Briggs personality types) and Joseph is a INFJ, in my book we even complete each other personality wise.  I don't know how far we'll go together but I'm going to enjoy all the little moments we get to have.

If only they knew...

I have a desire to write, I really do, but I have a fear of writing something controversial. Trying to keep the peace becomes difficult when you're mind thinks so many things. Like 9/11, you can call me a conspiracy theorist but what makes me different is the Spirit that lives inside, it bears witness to the truth. As I sat on the 6th floor in BMCC I was over looking ground zero. I watched the workers in green and orange walk to a fro the whole area. Then mixed in I saw the people, some walking, some running and the usual tourist looking lost. Then something came upon me, I realized what was sitting before me, the greatest act of cruelty in all time, not even war can compare. Yes it is a bold statement to make but hear me out: In war both countries know that they are at war, they know to expect blood and destruction, in addition they know where the attacks are coming from. In the case of 9/11, on a clear Tuesday morning thousands died and many more were affected. Now here comes the controversial part: Media has told us this was an attack from Al Queida but if you look at physics, how can a building completely fall in to nothing by being hit from the top. Don't understand? lets use the game Jenga for an example. The goal of the game is to remove as many blocks as you can without knocking down the structure. Now lets say you remove the wrong block from the middle, only half of the structure falls but the base is still intact. Now if you remove the wrong block from the bottom that's when the whole structure collapses. Now lets relate that to the twin towers, the point of impact was at the top of the building. In order for the whole building to collapse there had to also be impact from the bottom. There is obviously something suspicious going on, but what can I do? A mere person with an idea based on physics. However, if we as Americans stop accepting everything we hear on the news as the truth then they will have to work harder to deceive us. Remember the news and all forms of media are all privately owned, subjectivity is bound to seep in.

Run, Run far away from your problems

I don't really care what people say, one of the best things you can do is run away from your problems (Well at least from some problems) and my problem is one of them. The courageous thing to do would be to buckle down and be a strong woman and save my day. I would stand and fight to get what I want and I would not back down even if they held a knife to my neck. However, I am not up for that kind of fight. Yeah I know i'll be labeled as a wus and many other names but I know that this is a fight I cannot win. This is not a fight against a snobby girl who hates my guts or as the Christian community would say "a fight against principalities (I've already taken care of those things). This fight is against something so sinister that not even the cleverness of a genius or the strength of a muscle man can solve, Love. Love anything other than God and you're putting yourself in a compromising position.

My words won't be found in the ballots

People don't place blame upon themselves because they are selfless or because they are hard on themselves. But people place blame upon themselves for the very selfish reason of: its easier that way. They would rather take the blame so that they don't have to take the time to explain the faults in the other person. It's much easier to find the faults in yourself and accept them than to accept the flaws of someone else. There is a saying that goes: "If you want to know a man look at his friends." So of course we as humans like to have a good reputation. If something is wrong with our friends then we'll have to replace them right? (Way to complicated to do). We are taught from a very early age that it is better to point the finger at ourselves and be slow to point the finger at others, which is great advice (It keeps dictators from forming). But what happens when the situation is purely someones fault. We are never really taught to advocate for ourselves or what we believe in. It is considered an ability one is "born" with and if you lack that skill then you just fall through the cracks of society. Part of avocation is knowing where to place blame and pointing out the flaws for the sake of a better community. If we just placed blame upon ourselves all the time then that would result in a community depression.

Here is a question I won't answer (at least anytime soon): Do we scramble to find blame and place it upon ourselves because we truly believe it is our fault or do we seek it out to prevent others from judging you?
What i'm saying is not law but my words would be categorized under "other" in the ballots, and my words are: When pointing you still have three fingers pointing back at you. Whats the lost of one finger for the sake of a better community?

Obsession ------------------> Addiction

I know that this may be a horrible thought to have (The only place to get this out would be in writing) so here it goes: I'm thinking about the human race as a whole and how all of us have at least one addiction or obsession. Some people have addictions to drugs while others have addictions to success (perfectionist). Some people have an obsession with what is new or hip while others have an obsession with not allowing themselves to be influenced by what the general public is influenced by. I thought to myself "If we have to be addicted or obsessed with something then why can't we choose what that thing is?" As humans we like to think that we have the power or control over most things regarding what we enjoy or what plagues and weaken us. But the truth is that we don't have much power or control at all. (If you are Christian you have power in Jesus Christ but what good is it if you don't know how to use it). I was privileged *sarcastic tone* to have an obsession with the soft, fragile and sad. This in turn made me more soft, fragile and sad. I often write about things that should be deep but I down play them in to a single moment, like a scene in a movie. My most recent poem "Two roses in the black box" was about a theater romance. I start off by saying "oh please just dance with me, just for these counts of three" and I end it with "But for this moment, this one moment in eternities clock, let's be the definition of theater romance, two roses in the black box". When people write love poems there is always some deep meaning and a line that suggests wanting to be in love forever, but my love poems kind of stop right at the moment. I acknowledge the people in my poems may be living completely different and may never see each other again after this encounter but they should pretend that this will last forever. So as a result my poems often carry a mellow sad tone to them. I guess i'm rambling now, the bottom line for this post is that I wish my obsession was with something more productive rather something that can't help anybody.

The mind is a strange place...

Everything is just changing around me. I started college, underwent an overnight maturity transformation and have questioned my own sanity. Because of my faith I find myself constantly asking God things like "what are you doing?" "Are you sure about this?" or the more famous one "Are you trying to kill me?". My faith is weak because I have been wrong about so many things I was sure about. Like I "knew" I was destined to be this great doctor who would travel the world and take care of the worlds untouchables. I felt a special connection with them because I was America's untouchable. I was doomed from the beginning, but God didn't forsake me. Ever since I was young, I've had this unquenchable sense of wonder inside of me, like every moment in life can be magic if I just believed hard enough. Even when things went down hill I still found a way to create a fairy tale. One of my favorite childhood fantasies was a Michael Jackson/Cinderella blend. In my fantasy I was a slave, always cooking and cleaning and was fairly beautiful but my beauty was not seen by the commons. Then one day a very young Michael Jackson came to my door and moon walked his way past my mother straight to my twin sized bed and sat down next to me. I marveled at him and he said to me "I've traveled all the seven seas, searched the rich and poor lands and found myself here with you at the very moment, I love you and I accept you". Then in a flash we stood on top of my bed and jumped three times and disappeared together. For a time I actually believed that this happened to me but eventually that passed. Time has had it's way with me. The days and hours has seasoned me well but one thing I still have possession of is my vast sense of wonder, which I now express in poems and short stories. The times of my fantasies has passed, and i'm well aware of reality now but my wonder has taken on a new approach. I now wonder about life and the meaning of it. I'm in no pursuit to find a philosophical answer to this question, I only seek to find an answer that will make my wonder more understandable.The mind is a strange place...

He never leaves me.

Today was my high school graduation (whoop whoop!!). I was absolutely ecstatic because I have completed something that few NYC students complete in the standard 4 years. My mother, little sister, aunt, cousin and my pastor attended this day with me. What was amazing was that my cousin gave me a bouquet of roses. I didn't realize what was happening at the moment but i found out later. We went out to eat at a soul food restaurant called Sylvia's. I'm not quite sure whether my expectations were too high or it had too much southern flavor but to me the food was alright. When you live in New York for so long you begin to mistake southern flavor with artery clogging heaviness. Anyway, i ate there with my cousin and aunt and we chatted about my near and distant future. After we headed to check out this "famous" tattoo shop called Black Ink (none of us plan to get tattoos), then from there we parted ways. On my way home I got many congratulations and smiles from people. It was almost as if the bitterness that comes with a day in NYC was briefly lost because I was wearing a blue gown and a bright smile. It felt really good to have people appreciation, especially my pastor's. When i got home I flung my shoes and freed my face from the mask of makeup I was forced to wear. I then proceeded to tend to the beautiful pink roses i received from my cousin. I was dancing around like i didn't have a care in the world and right before i danced out the kitchen i counted the roses (i'm not sure why i did that) and i found that i had 8 roses. I immediately started to cry because i realized how God's word never fails. 8 is the number of new beginnings and the color pink means unconditional love and hope. God is giving me a new beginning of unconditional love and hope. I am truly greatful. I don't know what exactly God is going to do with me but i trust Him. Though i'm nervous for whats ahead i'm looking forward to it.  

They say "There are many fish in the sea" (I just don't know how to fish)

People have always told me after break ups, "Don't worry there are plenty of fish (guys) in the sea." Obviously I don't know how to fish. I choose different baits time and time again and i keep getting the fish covered in oil. They slip right through your hands and wiggle right back in to the ocean where they came from. To every person who has ever told me the above words I have this to say to you: If I wanted the whole damn sea, I'll cast my net and collect as many fish as I wanted and start an aquarium or eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There is a reason that I sit in a row boat with a single fishing line. I don't want fish that I can devour or display. I want a fish to take hold of my fishing line and pull me out to sea. I want to live in the water with my catch in a beautiful coral reef (enough metaphors for you?). In all honesty I already have two great love affairs, the first is with God, and the second is with my writing. So I think i'll drop the fishing rod for a bit and just enjoy the beauty of the deep blue that surrounds me.

Your only young once

Somewhere along the path of achievement we lose our sense of wonder. The kind of wonder we had when we were five and we discovered that fire was hot, that fire can burn you. We knew it was dangerous but we still played with it because our curiosity got the best of us. We took risk passing our fingers through the flame and only then did we discover that only the tip of the flame burns. When we were young we were not reluctant to take risk, we were not afraid to fail. I guess somewhere along the way we become paralyzed at the thought of not being successful. I say we go off of the charted territory, take a chance and make a leap. You only have one chance at happiness and success, if you stay safe then you potential will remain safe, but if you aim high your potential will aim even higher. J.K. Rowling has an interesting quote: "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all-in which case, you fail by default." I don't know about anyone else, but when i'm older i don't want to regret not going forward in my potential. I would rather fail trying to accomplish something than to fail by default because i was too afraid to make a move. So i guess my message to the youth and anyone reading this is follow your dreams, though you may (more likely than not) fail at least you failed trying instead of failing by default. Reach for the heavens and take that leap and most importantly trust in God for the outcome. 

Mid life crisis? Talk about quarter life crisis

OK, i'm not exactly 25 but the point is, people assume that older people have it tougher with work, families and bills. Not saying that they don't have their challenges but i can vouch for the 20-something year old's. Older people tend to already be settled in to their lives and so they can afford to have a mid life crisis and splurge on that luxury car or get that head to toe makeover. When you are in your early 20's you can't afford to have a crisis, your life depends on every single educational, financial and personal decision you make. I'm not even 20 yet and i already have elevated blood pressure due to stress. Especially growing up in the NYC public school system, there isn't many "helpful" resources out there. The resources that are available tell you either to go in to something with guaranteed employment like nursing, engineering and the other sciences. Those fields have some of the best jobs in the world but they aren't for everybody. Also it really annoys me that these places will go on to the internet and print the same information you could have gotten on your own at the library. I would like to see more programs that help students realize their talents and aspirations. Then from there you can start looking in to possible educational programs to achieve your goals. There is definitely a lack of acknowledgement to the stress our generation faces when it comes to employment and a stable future. Besides no matter what you are looking to go in to, your career will always feel like a job if you aren't happy with what you're doing.

Starting over takes years

Starting over takes years guys, i just realized this. I had just made the decision to go natural about a year ago and i'm nine months post big chop, which is cutting off all your permed hair in order to have your natural hair. I have seven inches in the front (whoop whoop !) and five in the back. That's only because the lady i went to cut my hair that way (rolls eyes) but anyway i'm making progress. Today I've decided to lose about 15-20 pounds. I joined this new site called MyFitnessPal and so far it is a great community of people looking to better themselves. I just finished a FREE kickboxing session through Mag Rack, which is free through cablevision. I was drenched in sweat but i was impressed because the program was free but helpful. I look forward to wearing tank tops and shorts this summer. I just have to keep my eye on the goal. This change also carries over in to my personal life, for as long as i can remember i have always been in a relationship, this is the first time I've been single for anymore than 2 months. It is definitely new and taking some getting use to but i know it is the best for me. I have my lonely moments where i just want a man's arms around my waist telling me everything is going to be OK, but then i have my liberated moments where i feel free and can tackle anything. I know becoming the woman i want to be will take years but i'm willing to take invest the time and take the initiative in becoming this woman, and from the looks of it she is going to be strong, wonderful and beautiful.